I am interested in hearing some discussion concerning a difficult topic. How have other parents handled their daughter being on a team with a young lady that
describes herself as a lesbian? How do you handle sleeping arrangements so that no one is uncomfortable when they travel?
PrepVolleyball.com
0 Kudo
Taboo Subject
| Author | Comment | ||
|---|---|---|---|
 vboutlaw |
Taboo Subject |
Lead | |
|
Registered Member
Posts: 2 (03/21/08 11:44 AM) |
|
||
|
VB2004 |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 119 (03/21/08 12:08 PM) |
Why is it a taboo subject? Have you seen what these kids watch on TV or learn/talk about on MySpace/ Friendster?
Like in any other life facet, we must learn to live with all types of personalities and lifestyles. Unfortunately, our country is still very behind in just accepting everyone as equals. I'm sure this will not be the last time your daughter is near/around lesbians..... It's about boundaries and space, if the said "lesbian" is sleeping in the same bed as a fellow teammate; you have to believe she knows about respect and not crossing any lines. Yes, you'll have the small minority of gay people, just like any other segment of our society, that will take advantage or not respect boundaries. My bet is this young "lesbian" is likely so insecure about her peers and their approval she will not even think of crossing that line. That's my opinion. Until we learn to adapt and just treat everyone equally, we'll consider subjects such as a gay teammate, coach etc. taboo, that's very unfortunate. |
||
|
rael |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 234 (03/21/08 12:18 PM) |
Interesting that when discussing others "preferences", "lifestyles", or genetic assignments to a particular sex, the word equality is
ALWAYS brought to the fore. The initial post was in dealing with uncomfortable situations. Yet it's always those who are uncomfortable with the knowledge
that has been shared get branded as disallowing "equality".
Uncomfortable situations shouldn't yield those who are uncomfotable as being deniers of equality. |
||
|
My2Cents |
Taboo | ||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 56 (03/21/08 1:17 PM) |
I applaud the parent's question to the board. It was asked in a respectful manor. I think it opens up the opportunity to talk and discuss... which is
never a bad thing. The board talks about coaches behavior, players attitudes, parents and a variety of questions, why not ask about lifestyles. I think when
we don't ask, we're keeping them "Taboo."
Having several Lesbian friends over the years, I'd have to agree with the comment about respect (it works both ways). As long as no one (either girl) is made to feel harassed... it become a non-issue. I suspect your daughter is probably handling things just fine. It's a good question and hopefully the board will let you know that you don't need to be concerned. |
||
|
OmniSpiker |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 70 (03/21/08 1:37 PM) |
Double queens, groups of three or four per room. If it's three, then sensibly she gets a whole bed to herself. Other instances captains, co-captions may
get dibs on whole bed.
|
||
|
18hawksdad |
You didn't say... | ||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 163 (03/21/08 1:39 PM) |
... what age of girls are we talking about here?
Regardless, as parents, it is our responsibility to discuss the subject maturely with our children, whatever the age, and try not to pass along any prejudices, fears, etc - discuss the facts, and allow our children to decide how they will treat/behave towards the other player or people with the same life style. |
||
|
VBEye |
Wheye is this subject considered "taboo" | ||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 1570 (03/21/08 3:32 PM) |
If this question was posed as, "Meye HS aged daughter plays on a co-rec traveling team. The girls and boys stay together in the same room. Is this
acceptable?"
Eye am thinking the vast majority of the repleyes would proveyede an emphatic no. The meyenority that would be left, well they would be special (description taught in charm school). |
||
|
vboutlaw |
"lifestyles" | ||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 2 (03/21/08 7:16 PM) |
vb2004, not sure what any of this has to do with myspace or friendster or why you keep putting the word lesbian in quotations. I never really even said directly if it was my daughter that was the lesbian or not, so I really think you are off base to say I am not allowing equality. 18hawksdad, age really doesn't play into this. They are high school age. I will say that vb2004 actually hit the nail on the head when he/she said, "It is about boundaries and space." VBEye, you seem to understand where I am coming from. I do not feel like my daughter should have to sleep in the same bed with anyone (boy or girl) that is attracted to girls. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with respect. I am proud to say that my daughter treats all of her teammates with the utmost admiration and respect. I know some respectful young men too, but I would still never allow them to spend the night in my daughter's bed. I still have not heard from a single parent that has experienced this type of situation, that is why I think this is a taboo subject. |
||
|
TxMom |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 28 (03/21/08 9:50 PM) |
We have not had this problem, but I understand your question. We are raising our kids to be respectful and accepting of all people, regardless of race, color,
religion, sexual orientation, etc. But that does not mean it would be comfortable sleeping in the same bed with someone who could be attracted to you. If the
young lady was a boy, the other girls would feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with him, undressing in front of him etc. I can't say how I'd
handle it. I guess I'd follow my daughter's lead. I know that doesn't help you, but I wanted you to know that someone at least understands where
you are coming from. It absolutely does not mean that you or your daughter are not accepting of her teammate.
|
||
|
tresmariasvb |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 72 (03/22/08 10:04 AM) |
All 3 of my daughters had or have teammates who are lesbians. Just as they have proclaimed their sexual preference and brought it to my daughters'
attention, my girls have always respectfully made it clear to them that they were not. That as long as appropriate boundaries were maintained, they would
remain friends or at least good enough acquaintances to be roommates/bedmates. Tolerance and "live and let live" are values we've always
promoted to our girls and the need to handle most situations on their own without any interference (only counsel) from us make them secure and stronger adults.
|
||
|
TxClubMom |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 100 (03/22/08 11:22 AM) |
This happened on my daughter's club team at 15's. The young lady decided to share her sexual orientation with the team (bi-sexual) in the hotel room
the first night of a major tournament. The girls were initially shocked but still curious enough to ask a lot of personal and inappropriate questions about who
she found attractive on the team and details on her sexual past, etc. - which she answered.
Remember, some of these girls were still 14 and most hadn't even had their first kiss yet. Here was a peer that claimed to have been sexually active with both sexes (not just attracted, active) and willing to talk about it! I was more shocked by the personal questions the team asked her than the fact someone on the team professed to be bi-sexual. That tournament was shot. The team could not focus. The coach had a talk with the girl separately and then the team separately. I don't know exactly what the coach said, but they came out of the talk crying, hugging, and loving everyone. After that, if anyone from outside the team asked questions about this girl, the other's were very protective. The girl never brought up specifics again. I don't think the other girls ever got comfortable enough with the subject to tease her like they would tease a peer about a boy - but there was never any issues about bed assignments and room assignment. As far as sleeping arrangements - she usually took the sofa bed and slept alone, the girls changed in the bathroom/showered/etc. with the door shut. Nothing ever happened that made them uncomfortable. She always had someone to warm up with, sit beside in the van/plane, eat with at team dinners, share an ipod with during downtime, she was high-fived on the court by her teammates, and had arms around her shoulders during huddles ... I never saw that anyone on the team shied away from her. Everyone came back to try-outs the next year to play on a team with her again. This situation was less dramatic to handle than a heartbreaking roommate my daughter had at a camp - a cutter. Unlike the bi-sexual preference, this made my daughter distraught and depressed and was a much harder issue for her to handle. The things you never think to discuss!
Last Edited By: TxClubMom
03/22/08 3:11 PM.
Edited 1 times.
|
||
|
Woody |
Amazing responses...when vboutlaw completely clarified the Q | ||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 958 (03/22/08 11:39 AM) |
If this question was posed as, "Meye HS aged daughter plays on a co-rec traveling team. The girls and boys stay together in the same room. Is this acceptable?" I just read this thread for the first time. I read the original question the same way that VBEye did (must be a Texas thing). The question has nothing
to do with equality. That is a separate topic. To clearly decide how to handle this, use the model Eye put forward... Assume two heterosexual adolescents in
the same room. That takes the "equality" filter out of the equation and then some real advise can be sought.
I am assuming that the young lady who "describes herself" as lesbian is, in fact, an accomodating young lady who realizes that she may be making others uncomfortable..or, also consider that she may be "describing herself" this way because she, herself is uncomfortable... either way, it *seems* like she is willing to take measures to help her team be as comfortable as possible in the situation. I made an assumption above about intent... but key to this whole thing is the method that she "describes herself"... as in "hey, this is me
and I know it might make you uncomfortable and I am uncomfortable too, so what can WE do to make it better for BOTH of us" versus "hey, this is me
and I don't care if it bothers YOU". those distinctions in views will change things.
P.S.S. The new Yuku editor is a little wonky... trying to do bullets on text after the fact applies them globally... and there is no "undo".... sigh.
Last Edited By: Woody
03/22/08 11:48 AM.
Edited 3 times.
|
||
|
eaglepeak |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 22 (03/22/08 9:07 PM) |
Bad timing to be sure, but if it doesn't get any easier learning about it later. Imagine if the children had held back & informed the parents after the
season was over....
|
||
|
bigtexbro |
Thank you Txclubmom | ||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 2551 (03/23/08 1:30 PM) |
There are to many people who judge kids these days. I am glad you posted what you posted. There is a code with gay or bi people I have to come to find out
about. I have come to find out they dont cross the line with friends or team mates. I know we all worry about kids growning up to fast and if there sexaul
activy. But what mom or dad doesnt think this . But do we go so far to sheild our kids from these people life style. They will find out about it some way in
life. I think we should be open and talk to them about it. The time has changed our child hood wasnt like this. I Hate that word taboo your making this person
out to be a freak or something.
Do you know what the word means ? taboo Definitionta·boo noun pl. -·boos′
Please use the word they way it should be. This young lady has made a change in her life and to speak of her with such a harsh word is rude. Would you want me to call you some rude word because of something you do in your life. I.E. would you call someone a bible thumper because you go to church all the time. I think we all need to understand we cant change our kids minds about things like this. |
||
|
VBEye |
Eye must have misunderstood | ||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 1570 (03/23/08 4:37 PM) |
Be forewarned, either meyeself or BTB is way off base here -
Eye didn't realeyeze the word taboo was being applied to the supposed gay child on the thread maker's team. Reading the it over, Eye have found that it said the "taboo subject". It seems funny here, how questioning anything gay turns into something that many consider taboo. For the more obtuse and simple here - ie: don't you dare question someone's predisposition to being gay and how this meyeght affect you. The subject was not anything about someone being gay, it was all about QUESTIONING how you handle the situation where gay adolescents are allowed to sleep in the same room with non-gay adolescents. Eye thought it was agood question. Back to meye comments earler, if the team was compreyesed of individuals from both sexes, there would be no need for a discussion as most people would not allow or stand for it. How's about we change it up a little. You have two gays on the same team. Do you put them in the different rooms? If so, wheye? If not, wheye not let boys and girls sleep together?
Last Edited By: VBEye
03/23/08 5:22 PM.
Edited 2 times.
|
||
|
Ukie1 |
|||
|
Registered Member
Posts: 163 (03/23/08 6:30 PM) |
I read this and didn't know what to think. I let my 17 year old daughter read this thread. Asked her if she wanted to sleep with a lesbian. She replied
hell no. What else can I say.
|
||
